Single, Smitten, and Occasionally Glum

Today is the day this officially became a personal blog.

Contrary to what many may believe, (most) single people who wish to be partnered do not exist in a constant state of longing to be ‘chosen.’ Yet, because desperation and sadness are so regularly assigned to single women, I find it uncomfortable to even admit to myself sometimes that I want to be in a relationship eventually. I put the “eventually” because it sounds less icky somehow.

However, I’m clear that choosing a new partner—yeah, you heard what I typed, I said choosing because I choose, tf?—is merely another outstanding ‘to do’ on a running list of goals. Truth be told, I’ve considered that it may remain elusive until I check off a few other significant items; my career focus right now is beyond anything I’ve been able to summon in a decade.

The pandemic has changed the tone of my romantic desires a bit and drastically altered my ability to work towards them, but I’ve yet slink into desperation (I am over 30 and date men, please) or even sadness about being single at a time where mingling can be (even more) deadly.

However, I had a little moment in Zara’s the other day. It didn’t make me sad or worried, but it did make me…fleetingly glum. I had a fleeting feeling of glumness.

There was a couple shopping near me* and when the dude caught his lady looking at an item he liked, “Oh, I’ve been thinking about you in a suit lately!” 

I almost fainted. What specificity! Not just thought of but thought of in a particular style of clothing? Have I discovered my love language via someone else’s relationship? I want someone to think about me in some clothes! Not a suit—I only wear those when required—but like, some leopard leggings or maybe a fly trenchcoat?

But I don’t have anyone to do that at press time. Fleeting glumness strikes again.

The weakest part about this is that I can’t tell you who I want to see me in the not-suit clothes, because I don’t like anyone. That’s actually been the greatest challenge of my love life since day one. I do not be liking anybody. Men are boring as hell and most of them are not cute. Once we start talking about the handful that is both fun and cute, then the tough questions** come in: Does he read? For pleasure? Well? Does he drink water?

There’s a couple of guys I have a history with who I’d consider dating in the present day if they were to step to me, but there isn’t one whom I feel passionately enough to make such a proposition myself. ‘Cause I don’t like nobody.

I do have one crush left. There were a couple of others but they seem to have gotten in relationships during the pandemic; I muted them on IG and will, thus, never find out of they become disentangled in the future, but it was a worthy sacrifice to make because don’t nobody want to see one of the two cute smart men who read well and drink water out on a date!

My last crush standing is one of my favorite crushes of all time though. There’s this unusually pure and sweet feeling he gives me that has stood the test of years. Seeing him makes me feel something I’ve never felt towards anyone else. Like a warm blush from the inside, like the soft part of a cookie.

I am smitten.

I can’t explain why this person is different. He’s just absolutely delightful. I’d plant him a garden and I don’t really like having dirt under my nails. I’d learn how to cornrow for him and I don’t even think men should be legally allowed to have braids.

There’s probably no chance that he knows this and maybe that’s for the best. I don’t know if he’s single and I’d rather not know if he wasn’t. Plus, I have absolutely no clue if he likes me as a person, let alone thinks of me as attractive. Honestly, I regard him as so dreamy that if he was interested in me, he undoubtedly must know that I would like, give him my number and stuff.

Be clear: I’m not in love with this guy, nor does he consume many of my thoughts. However, when he does happen to land there, I am just…stunningly aware of how dreamy this motherfucker is. Like, this is a strain of human that they make? Why aren’t there more of them? He is DREAMY, do you hear me?

I like liking people. I want that smitten feeling more. It doesn’t have to be for him, it could be for someone else. I want the feeling, I want the feels. But I do not be liking anyone—I guess short of a random acquaintance who has been nice to me a few times.

I don’t struggle with being unchosen, I struggle to choose. And despite my jokes about how boring and unsexy most men are (it’s true though!), I’m clear that there are and have always been some really great men in my orbit who would like to date me. Unfortunately, they just don’t leave me smitten. And I think I understand now more than ever that I need that to be satisfied. One day though!

I would wear a suit for that man.

Oh well,

Jamilah

* I’ve always hated this, even when I have been in relationships! Please leave your partner at home unless they are paying for or sharing your clothes; they don’t need a vote otherwise! Your man is a bump on a log and I need to cross that log to find my size! SCRAM!

** Plus I live in LA, so there’s also the “Does he (a Black man) date Black women?” part too.