So Anxious III: Good Morning, and Have a Terrible Day
A modest proposal regarding electronic communications early in the day
I lived on the East Coast for 18 years before relocating to California in late 2019, which certainly has something to do with the terrible habit that so many people in my personal and professional worlds have with reaching out to me early as hell in the morning, expecting engagement and coherence. As someone who starts her day later than even the average person on my side of the country, that means often getting emails, texts and phone calls hours before I’d even consider interfacing with the world.
To be frank, I don’t give a fuck what time it is where you are, it’s giving ‘I have no social skills at all’ when you text or call anyone before 9am unless you have the sort of relationship that necessitates or facilitates that. If you are unclear whether you and I have that relationship, the answer is probably “Absolutely the fuck not.”
I don’t want my parents, siblings, nor my closest friends trying to talk me that early, not unless it’s an emergency. I am fine with men that I’m dating texting me then, though I can’t guarantee a solid response. Professional connections, big nope, with the exception of my agent—who also knows that I’m probably sleeping or incoherent when she fires off a morning text and has reasonable expectations for when she may hear back.
If this were just a matter of a woman who has found herself often subject to requests for time, energy and labor from other people deciding to draw boundaries, that would be more than fair. However, I’m definitely not at the point where I know how to create boundaries just because they should be there. I’m only able to complain about this because it’s a thing that is a little bit on fire.
You see, as I have written about here previously, I deal with anxiety, and when I get hit with expectations from the world before I’m able to fully wake up and meet the day, I feel, well, anxious. Rattled, frustrated, threatened, cranky.
Anxiety sucks, I would wish it on many people, but not any of the ones that I know read this newsletter. It makes situations in which one is ill-prepared feel infinitely more stressful; being ill-prepared for a conversation or request that I did not anticipate being met with and before I’m ready to do so makes me feel like I’ve lost control of my day before it even started. Waking up to a bunch of texts about some shit I’m expected to do, or getting roused from my slumber with an unplanned phone call is like being behind before I’d even suited up for the game.
Somehow, expecting people to respect the fact that I am often a full three hours behind them feels unreasonable, like my timezone is some flight of fancy I’m asking them to indulge. As is sometimes the case with the big ‘A,’ feeling ignored, or like your concerns are too much trouble for other people to consider, only adds to the discomfort so often coursing through our insecure bodies.
Ironically, while folks so often think of sex and relationships as a primary source of stress, I have no problem with guys I’m talking to/dating/flirting with reaching out to me in the morning. At the root of this might be my deeply buried ‘Pick-Me’ proclivities, but I honestly think it has more to do with the fact that my men do not stress me out. Literally everyone else in the world? Stress. Men? Lol, no. That’s the entertainment, and the entertainment is not here to stress me out, I wish a n*gga would.
In all seriousness though, any man (from the “dudes” grouping) who is hitting me in the morning is usually just trying to flirt, see how I’m doing, maybe make some plans. The rest of y’all want so much more: some work shit, honest questions to answers about my well-being, solutions to your problems. In this one, and perhaps only, regard, men > the rest of y’all. Congratulations to them on this one victory and again, only dudes I’m vibing with get this designation, hearing from the rest of you would just be a nuisance like anyone else.
Oftentimes, it takes me some time to recover my day once it’s started off with me feeling like someone fired a starter pistol in my ear and told me to get going NOW. I’ve had some uncomfortable exchanges as a result of this whole thing, and as I’m not always fully awake and alert yet, some of them have been a little bit more brusque than they would have been had I been of a clear mind. So, once again, there are probably people who think I’m a whole bitch, when I actually just feel like I’m constantly drowning under the expectations of a world that seems to need more of me than it can replenish in me.
My humble request is that literally, everyone on the planet stops fucking bothering anyone before 10am their time unless you have obtained permission otherwise. I’ve even come up with a little slogan to help you remember: “If it’s not about some sex, it’s too early to text,” but be sure that your lovers are cool with morning texts, for consent does not end in the bedroom.
I have about two hours before I explode into guilt for having written this piece, which takes a swipe at so many people, each of whom I would lie to and say that it absolutely was not about them.
Please clap,
Jamilah
OMG, I relate to this on a spiritual level!
I love this!! DND for me until 9am my time my son knows to call if it’s emergency but texts don’t get through until I’m ready for them. Keep setting those boundaries.